Dad's IT Guy

In every life, there comes a point where a new technology overwhelms you. That is the point where you officially become "old."

A lot of people instantly got old when they couldn't figure out how to get rid of the flashing 12:00 on their VCR's. More were thrust into old age when phones became so advanced that their least impressive feature was phoning. For me, it might be when everyone lives in empty white cubicles with fully augmented reality and I refuse to give up my flesh and blood wife, or my plastic lava lamp—depends on the day. It'll definitely happen if people begin getting USB ports sewn into their necks. I'm pretty happy with the orifices I have, thank you.

"Old" happens when change comes too fast and goes too far.

My father became "old" at 70, when he got his first computer.

It's not a matter of intelligence.

At 78, he walked into a party where 50 guests, including myself, had spent the better part of an hour puzzling over a picture-word puzzle, took one glance, said "The answer's 'Tumbler,'" as if it were no more of a challenge than picking Ronald McDonald out of a lineup of Mallard ducks, grabbed a beer and sat down seemingly preoccupied with keeping his drink from foaming over.

Beyond his family, he truly loves only three things: TV, sports and gambling. He's now 80, but as physically fit as a 60-year-old with a mind agile enough to regularly conquer Sudoku and Crosswords. He golfs at least twice a week and plays floor hockey against 40-year-olds. He's a good enough poker player to amass small fortunes in online credits without spending a dime and regularly places near the top in worldwide tournaments. Perversely, when he goes to Vegas, he plays the slots and Keno, games that require the least skill and offer the worst odds. He only seems interested in beating odds that are overwhelmingly stacked against him. This may explain fifty-plus years of marriage to my mother.

He's brilliant when he's motivated but, to my mother's frustration, has spent the better part of his life unmotivated except by sports and gambling. He is gregarious and very popular, but largely unconcerned by what others think and is unapologetic if his frank assessments or opinions make others around him miserable. He is also not much concerned whether his assessments and opinions happen to be accurate. I think he sees them more as social experiments than social comments.

As he's aged, he's adopted the outward demeanour of a crusty old curmudgeon but has always remained active, astute, and one of the most deeply satisfied people I know.

He is also one of the most frustrating people to do a favour for.

I once cleaned his gutters which were clogged to the point where it was less like whisking dust from a trough than digging up a well-established garden bed and had to listen to him grumble the entire time about the dirt falling into his garden. Until then, I'd always thought a garden an appropriate place for dirt.

My parents have a huge hedge in their back yard and once every few years all us siblings get together and trim it, which requires scaffolding and specialized trimming tools. Each time we do this, he spends the day whining about possible damage to his lawn, trimming too much foliage and leaving a huge mess, though none of these things has ever occurred.

Of course, my siblings and I all feel that we owe our parents a huge debt for all the things they have done to help us through life. And, to his credit, in the end, Dad always makes it clear that he is genuinely thankful for our help. But things go so much smoother if he's busy golfing.

Other than socializing, TV, sports and gambling my father feels that most other activities are an unnecessary burden, so if he has to do something like house repairs or maintenance he aims for hair's-width perfection in the vain hope that, if done right, he will only have to do it once in his lifetime. He applies this philosophy indiscriminately which is why whenever he mows the lawn he does it in different directions, thrice over. He's hoping that this job, well done, need only be done once a year. Both my mother and the grass refuse to accede to his logic.

About twenty-five years ago when my brother-in-law was new to the family but safely past the line for an annulment, I volunteered him to work with Dad at one end of a new fence-line while my brother and I worked together at the other. Our part went very smoothly and after a few hours we had installed about eighty percent of the new fence and came upon my Dad and brother-in-law still working on their third post. Dad was bent over the hole which was, apparently, not yet deep or straight enough. He had an old hammer and chisel and was bashing away at solid rock, three feet beneath the surface. My brother-in-law stood holding the 8-foot fence post, gazing aimlessly skyward, frustrated by the knowledge that they would now have to fill beneath the post so that it would not be too short for the six-foot panels. When he saw us, he did not smile... for many years.

Who is going to be my father's IT guy has been a hot potato since that same brother-in-law made the mistake of giving my father his first computer, many years ago. It was a PC and, at the time, I was never more happy to be a "Mac Guy." Since then, my brother-in-law has continued to donate his business's older PC's to my father. But this year, there were no PC's in the system when my Dad's suddenly died—probably suicide. However, my little consulting business had an Apple iMac that it no longer needed. And that's how I became my father's IT guy. It's nice to see my brother-in-law smile again, but bittersweet.

GUI (graphical user interface) concepts like desktop, file folders and files are useless analogies for my father. If you ever saw his actual desk's top, you'd quickly understand why. As in real life, he files everything on the desktop. If a file accidentally ends up inside a file folder, he considers it irretrievably lost. An assessment that is not without merit.

The inevitable phone-line support calls are difficult because, regardless of his crossword prowess, his descriptive ability is severely limited, proving that I get my writer's mind entirely from my mother's side. To him, a monitor is a TV. The computer, its RAM memory, the hard disk memory, any tangle of wires in the vicinity and, often, the Internet are all just "the computer." Words like reboot, program, app and scrollbar have as much meaning to him as Gangsta Rap lyrics in Sanskrit. He dislikes anything that works differently from his first computer, so being able to run two programs at once is a fault, not a feature. Also, his first computer was a PC, so he hates Macs—more intensely, with every update. "It's just like Apple to waste resources on a stupid concept like multitasking."

This is the foundation upon which I am to build a functional IT relationship.

My first approach was to put aliases, buttons and links everywhere thinking that he could activate his favourite programs and websites in any of four ways. This was a mistake. A week later, when I checked in, he had stopped using the computer because it was too slow. There were fifty-seven tabs open on Chrome.

DAD: ...and then there's this cheap aluminium keyboard...

ME: Cheap? Compared to plastic?

DAD: ...it has too many keys.

ME: It's the alphabet, Dad. Same on all keyboards.

DAD: What's with these ef'n keys.

ME: That's "Fn" keys... they're function keys.

DAD: What do they do?

ME: That depends on what you are doing on the computer at the time.

DAD: I'm hitting the damn key, is what I'm doing. Useless. Take them off.

ME: Uh...


It's been tough slogging, but we've made some progress. Not in the IT department—we're no further ahead there—but we've established a routine that ensures the problem gets dealt with as quickly as possible.

DAD: Your crappy computer's busted again. I get some sort of message about errors.

ME: What's on the screen right now.

DAD: Lint.

ME: Is the computer on?

DAD: Yes.

ME: But no picture?

DAD: No. I shut it off.

ME: You shut off the picture? Does that mean the TV-part is off?

DAD: No. That's on. There's a yellow light.

ME: Turn on the computer.

DAD: What do you mean, turn it on. I've got a yellow light.

ME: No, that's just the TV-part. You need to press the button on the box-part. You'll know it's on when you see a blue light.

DAD: Ok. . . . There's a blue light.

ME: Great. What's on the screen.

DAD: Lint.

Silence.

ME: Is the blue light actually lit up, or are you just telling me that you finally spotted it? (Because this is not the first time.)

DAD: It's there. (In Dad-speak, this is adequate confirmation that it's not lit.)

ME: Did you press the "on" button?

DAD: I'm still pressing it.

ME: You've got to let go.

DAD: You never said that.

ME: How have you been turning it on for the past two months?

DAD: I never turned it off.

ME: Is it on now?

DAD: There's a box in the corner and all hell below that. The thing doesn't work anymore and when I press the other thing all I get is crap.

ME: What's that sound?

DAD: I'm trying to make it go.

ME: Is that the mouse clicking? Why is it clicking so much?

DAD: I'm clicking on everything to get it going.

ME: We should go slowly here.

DAD: Are you kidding? It's slow as molasses!

ME: How many windows are open now?

DAD: Windows, boxes, lines... There's junk everywhere.

ME: Is there an error message?

DAD: There was but I clicked it away.

ME: What did it say?

DAD: Something was an error.

ME: Yes, but what?

DAD: I don't know... something about "insufficient."

ME: Memory?

DAD: I don't know. Illegal, invalid, restricted... something, something, "wager not placed" something, something.

ME: Were you playing on an online Casino when it first came up?

DAD: What the hell else does a person do with a computer?

ME: Were you trying to make some sort of bet at the time?

DAD: I don't know. This box came up and I couldn't see the slots anymore. Your crappy computer broke the Internet. I want my old one back.

ME: Your old computer was barely compatible with electricity.

DAD: It worked better than this.

ME: I'll come over.

DAD: Great. Bring a trowel.

ME: Sorry? What?

DAD: One of those gutters you "supposedly" cleaned is clogged again.

ME: I did clean it, Dad. That was 3 years ago.

DAD: You should probably bring a ladder, too. And don't get dirt in my garden.

ME: See you in a few minutes.

DAD: There's a six-pack in the fridge.

At last! A foundation upon which I can build a functional IT relationship.

Cheers!

_______________________________

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Scotched! : Matias USB 2.0 Keyboard

A novice's guide to breaking, 

then repairing, and repairing...and repairing 

a Matias USB 2.0 keyboard (for Mac)

As with so many of my misadventures, this one began with a wee dram of Scotch—admittedly, not the first wee dram.


HISTORY and REVIEW:
About 2 years ago, after a 50 years of procrastination, I decided to launch my career as a writer. I have since learned that this is not as auspicious a moment as one might think. I am both proud and a little depressed to say that I now count myself among the 10 million independent authors that clutter Amazon.com and the rest of the Cyber-sphere with desperate bids for attention.

Anyway, among the many things I mistakenly believed a good writer could not live without was an old-fashioned tactile keyboard. I had seen ads and favourable reviews in magazines for the Matias brand. They had the look I remembered from the 1990's and, I hoped, the feel, as well. I could not find a sample in a local shop, so I ordered blind, online.

I was very excited when it arrived and immediately set to pumping out the genius. I quickly became disenchanted. Though it is tactile, it seems unnecessarily noisy with the hollow clack of cheap plastic. Still, at more than $100, I was determined to give it the benefit of the doubt and I did eventually grow used to the feel, but never really felt that it was a good investment.

Beyond my dissatisfaction with the "feel" of the unit, there are three concrete things that bother me about this unit. The first is the location of the CAPS LOCK key in the lower right hand corner, beneath the SHIFT key, which I was previously used to being on the upper right hand side, near the TAB key.

The second thing is the extra thick connector cable which has two USB connectors at the end. One is to connect the keyboard, and the other is for the USB socket imbedded at the top of the keyboard. I don't need an extra USB socket and so the cable end just lay there, looking unsightly. And the extra thick cable was often unwieldy. The good thing about this problem is that it is easily solved with a pair of scissors. The connecting cable is actually two wires which are easily torn apart. After that, a quick pruning with a pair of scissors puts everything right. But make sure that you have correctly identified which cable is for the USB socket and which is for the keyboard. Snip the wrong one and you will have to suffer through a whole other repair article.

By far the largest inadequacy was the poorly crafted folding legs. The keyboard works well lying flat, but if you prefer a steeper angle, you can flip out a couple of plastic supports from the underside, raising the back end. The angle that produces is perfect for me so I used the legs, but they would not lock into place very well, and frustratingly collapsed many times a day—alas, poor, deprived readers, often during moments of peak genius. More frustrating still, there seems to be no easy fix without making a permanent alteration which then makes the keyboard unsuitable for use on your lap.

Other than that, it worked as advertised... until, of course I basted it in Scotch.

In my defence, nowhere in the instruction manual does it mention this unexpected vulnerability... I'm sure.

THE GREAT SCOTCH INCIDENT:
It was a Saturday night and the kids had just gone to bed. I finished paying bills and answering emails, then sighed in appreciation as I topped up my tiny Scotch-sipping glass and eased back into my desk chair to enjoy my savoured routine of Saturday evening of Scotch, popcorn and Netflix. (I have eclectic tastes.) Somehow, my baby finger grazed the edge of the cup and toppled it—which might have been a short cleanup and shorter story had my lightening reflexes not gotten involved. Like twin vipers, my hands streaked toward the falling object and fumbled it end over end, splattering the monitor and my clothes—the glass finally coming to rest atop the keyboard which greedily guzzled the majority of the sticky sweet liquid. I wept to see 12 year old, single malt ooze away between the seven and the eight.

Thinking quickly, I unplugged the keyboard, licked clean the tops of its keys and flipped it over to drain. Then I made a dash for a wet rag. After wiping down the monitor and giving myself a sponge bath, I took a deep breath and turned over the keyboard. It looked ok. I wiped away the last of the Scotch and tentatively plugged it back in. The computer went crazy—the screen flashed and it began shrieking, "All is lost! I am killed!" which I deemed a little over the top, but still, I felt the harsh sting of judgement.

I put the Matias keyboard to one side, got out my old Bluetooth spare, settled back into my chair and solemnly refilled my glass with exaggerated caution. It took more than half of Batman Drags On before I was able to completely forget the incident.

THE REPAIR:
At the time of the Great Scotch Incident, the keyboard was more than a year old and I was ready to ditch it in favour of the Apple expanded USB keyboard, but, still, it had cost me $100 and so I could not make myself throw it away without at least attempting a repair.

I will say at the outset that I have never before opened a keyboard and had no idea what to expect. All I knew was that it was currently completely useless and so I could not make the situation any worse, which are the two required parameters before I feel qualified to attempt any repair.

I know that ample online help exists. There are probably a dozen insightful and detailed Matias USB 2.0 Keyboard Repair blogs, each written by highly competent technicians and illustrated with high-res pictures and microscopic detail. But I am nothing if not bold, and no great adventure ever began "I diligently followed the directions..."

I ended up going back into the mechanism three times, before getting it right. But I did get there. And, I had an adventure!

Flipping the unit over, I observed eight screws on the backside: a line of four long ones along the back edge and four shorter ones across the middle. They were all inset a fair ways, so I needed a Phillips screwdriver with a longer bit to reach them, but they came out easily. Five interlocking tabs secure the front edge of the unit, and to open it, all I had to do was separate the back edge. Which I did. Subsequently, 107 small, rubber, nipple-like discs tumbled free, falling across our kitchen counter top and bouncing to the floor, headed for dark corners and tiny crannies. Be more prepared than I was and you won't have to waste a half hour collecting them all.

Inside, there was a small amount of circuitry firmly attached to the housing, two thin sheets of plastic with a printed maze of switch contacts, 107 empty circular indentations meant to house those 107 rubber discs, and the stems of the 107 key-tops which were minimally secured by tiny plastic tabs.

One hundred and seven! This reflects a depth of knowledge which can not be obtained by simply opening a unit and performing a repair which works the first time!

It was at this point that I made the keen, though awkwardly belated, observation that to clean spills from under the keys, I really didn't need to open the unit at all as the key-tops are all inset into deep plastic wells which had contained all the sticky syrup that had once been my precious Scotch. Without opening the unit, the key-tops pop right off for easy access to this area. That's the exact moment when I remembered having done that about 20 years ago to clean out spilled beer. I may have a drinking problem, but it is of a very curious variety.

Anyway, none of that mattered to me then as I now had a larger job before me and my wife was now buzzing around wanting to use the kitchen counter to make lunch for the kids in spite of the fact that they had already eaten, a mere four hours earlier. Wives are notorious for not conceding when furniture has been commandeered for a higher purpose.

Ignoring her and staring intently, I came to vaguely understand how the keys work: the plastic key-top presses down on a rubber nipple which in turn squeezes the two sheets of contacts together at that point. What I had missed while being distracted by 107 bouncing rubber nipples was exactly how they had been positioned. In order to save you two more trips into the device, I am now going to reveal that they sit, nipple-side-up, beneath the key-tops.

But wait there's more! The real secret to reinstalling the nipples is that the keyboard needs to be upside down and suspended, with the keys hanging loosely downward. If you lay the keyboard down on top of the keys and try to reinstall the nipples, they will not sink deeply enough into place to work well. Suspending the keyboard is a bit tricky as the unit has stylishly curved edges. I used a tupperware container filled with leftover stew at one end, and a rock hard, knobby old pear the kids had stolen from our neighbour's tree at the other. That worked for me, but I think you could safely substitute whatever happens to be on your wife's counter top, at the time of repair.

Reassembly was obvious: I interlocked the five front tabs and carefully clam shelled it closed, reinserted the screws—and voila!

My repair worked perfectly, third time!

And, I'm proud to be able to say that rather than simply throw away a malfunctioning Matias USB 2.0, I now have a perfectly working keyboard I hate.

_______________________________

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5-Star Products for your Mac!

(I want to mention, up front, that this article is a test of Amazon's associate program. If you purchase something through the Amazon links here, I will earn a commission at no additional cost to you. I will get nothing from the other links. This is something I want to try as it might help support my writing habit. Regardless, the information I provided is my honest opinion. The advice given here is the same I would offer a friend. Once I've gathered enough information and experience I will blog about this revenue experiment.)


What follows is a list of Mac-related computer hardware and software that I have purchased and used and can wholeheartedly recommend. These are not the ones that just worked; these are the ones that worked remarkably well and that I use every day.

I usually purchase through Amazon.com for the security, as well as the price. I have checked prices for you and featured the cheapest link I could find for a new product, from a reputable dealer. You might find something cheaper, used, but I am not generally comfortable purchasing used electronics.

1) Apple computers: In no way do I want to wage in on the PC vs. Apple debate. All I can tell you is, that from my broad computer experience of more than 30 years, I consider an Apple to be like a highly customized PC. The average PC appeals to people who are on tight budgets or who really like working on computers and customizing them. You can buy them pretty cheaply, but those devices are slow and limited. If you intelligently add parts you can match the performance of any Apple, at the same price tag.

I love computers for what they can help me produce. To me, they are a tool. I have the ability, but no interest in spending countless hours repairing or tweaking my tools, and this is why I love Apple. As much of a unique individual as I consider myself, my computer needs are extremely similar to every other productive person's, and Apple has built an empire by anticipating and providing what productive people need. A hardcore PC-fan views an Apple computer as inflexible, but those restrictions are intelligently designed to keep users in bounds and out of trouble. Think of an Apple computer as a sharp, high-quality kitchen knife: It can do most everything the average person might ever want, and be relatively flexible beyond it's intended use. And, when was the last time you really needed a Swiss army knife?

For me, it all comes down to what I can get done with as little attention spent on the computer, itself, as possible. Apple computers "just work and work well." If you are happy with what they can do, then you will be happy with how they do it.

One caveat: I am not a gamer and can not attest to a Mac's performance against a suped-up gaming PC. I have read that there may be issues in driver-software availability, at the upper end.


2) Samsung EVO 850 Solid State Drive (SSD): My iMac is more than 5 years old and currently runs the most recent version of Apples OS which is about 4 major revisions above what it shipped with. About a year ago I noticed that the internal hard drive was laboring to keep pace with the OS-innovations. My computer became noticeably and irritably slow. I could fork out another $2000-plus for a new computer and go through all the troubles associated with upgrading and porting data and apps, or I could gamble $500 on an SSD hard drive and hope for some speed increase. I gambled and won! The speed enhancement was instantaneous and startling. Even though my son has a brand new iMac, mine is still the fastest and most powerful in the house, thanks to replacing the main hard drive with an SSD. I have since upgraded three other computers and found that these Samsung SSD's hooked up and instantly started working without issue.

Samsung SSD's are the top-selling SSD hard drives on Amazon. They come in 250GB, 500GB and 1TB sizes. I have personally bought 500GB and 1TB versions and recommend the highest capacity that you can afford so that it will have the longest useful life. Here are the two versions of the 1TB SSD that I have used. One is slightly cheaper and slightly slower. You can decide which is worth more to you, speed or cash...


3) Newertech Voyager External Drive Dock: After more than 30 years in the computer biz, I've accumulated a lot of data. As well, I'm paranoid about losing my collection. So I have a complex backup scheme which involves cloud storage, and several hard drives stored off-site. I got tired of paying for the external drive enclosures every time I got another drive, and even more irritating was keeping track of the power cord that went with each drive. Then I discovered these inexpensive drive bays which allow you to just slot-in a raw hard drive. These do not allow "hot-swapping" but as long as I remember to soft-eject them first I can efficiently switch between drives, on the fly. As well, I can purchase raw drives at really low prices and just pop them in.

Also, I set up the external SSD hard drive that operates as my computer's brain in one of these drive docks allowing me to pop it out if I ever wanted to secure my computer. It did come in useful one time when I needed to bring the work computer home. I shut down, popped out the SSD with my personal computer's brain on it, inserted the work brain SSD and rebooted. Voila!

I have upgraded three or four Mac computers to SSD by using Voyager Drive Docks. I don't want to open the Macs to install an SSD upgrades because it takes quite a bit of time, it's a delicate operation and also because when I eventually sell the computer I want it "as shipped from the factory." New owners who are not technically proficient are often hesitant to purchase a Mac modified in some non-standard way. To perform the upgrade, I plug in the drive dock, slide the SSD in, copy the system from the internal HD to the SSD, set the startup disk to the SSD in System Preferences and then reboot; all of which combines to instantly accelerate the entire system. Upgrading could not be easier.

These devices have always worked flawlessly for me. Plug and play. The only thing I don't like is that all models appear identical on the outside so that I can not easily tell the newer from the older. In general, the price differences between models reflects the types of connectors they have. All of mine are USB 2.0 or USB 3.0 because those are the ports I have on my mac that are not otherwise occupied. I am satisfied with my speed enhancements, however, there may be models that have faster connectors that might be of use in your situation. The one featured below is the one I used.


4) Newertech Video Display Adapter: If you've never added an extra monitor to your Mac, then you need to do so. You can buy any number of adapters which will allow you to plug that second monitor into your mac. The OS is built for this, so you don't need any additional software. But, if you are a "power user" like me, then 3 or 4 monitors is better still and only slightly more trouble, once you've found the device listed below. I did this about 2 years ago with an earlier version of the product.

The Newertech video adapter allows you to hook up a projector TV, HD TV, or HDMI, DVI or VGA monitor to your Mac through a USB port. My model (which is an older version) uses free software from DisplayLink to make the Mac aware of the monitor. Once you've installed that software and restarted your computer, it all works seamlessly, behind the scenes. You can configure the extra monitors through System Preferences as you would expect. I have never had any issues with my device... worked first time, right out of the box. When you upgrade your OS, though, you might have to upgrade your version of DisplayLink as well.


5) DYMO Labelwriter 450 Turbo: I have purchased two of these sturdy little label printers and have to say that they just never stop! Mine have been put through their paces, having printed well over 10,000 labels without a hitch. The label software that is provided is good enough for almost any application, but the printer is completely compatible with Mac or PC and seems to play well with any software. It's thermal, and so needs no ink and has a decent resolution, reproducing black and white photos well enough for most label projects. The labels can be expensive, but in the past, I've sourced them through AliBaba.com at about 15% of the usual costs.


6) Carbon Copy Cloner (from bombich software - $40 USD): The simplest way to securely back up everything. This software will duplicate your entire hard drive and OS. If your system ever crashes, just switch to the copy and carry on. To me the simplest backup solution of all with the least impact on productivity. The software itself is dead-easy to understand and use, and operates in the background while you continue to use your computer as normal. There is some noticeable slowdown, but nothing worth complaining about.

7) Beamer for OS X - $15 USD: Easily beam movie files from your Mac to your Apple TV, through your wireless network. Run the app, then drag and drop movie files onto the Beamer icon. They are automatically queued up and delivered to your Apple TV. Lots of features, easy to operate, works flawlessly. You can download it the 30-day trial version and fully activate it, when you are ready to purchase.

8) Dropbox cloud storage - (2GB, free : 1TB, $99.00/yr USD): I have used this cloud storage app for the past 4 years. I like it because it's a good value, the interface is relatively straight forward and it has proven completely reliable. It syncs all of my devices without interfering with my workflow. When I started using this, Apple's competing iCloud storage was awkward and expensive. This has since changed, but I still prefer Dropbox because it's slightly cheaper for the huge amount of data that I wish to backup, and I find it simpler to use. For me, iCloud remains a bit complicated primarily because Apple is using it to accomplish a lot, interfacing with their Apple ID, iTunes Digital Rights Management and all their other software.

I hope that you find these no muss, no fuss products as useful and enhancing to your computer experience, as they were to mine. Happy writing, video editing, accounting, music composing, databasing, number crunching, game playing or YouTube watching!

_______________________________________

5-Star products from William M. Dean...