A Christmas Skit for Children: The Interview

Every year, my sister organizes a homeschooler Christmas Pageant during which the kids (currently from ages 10 to 18) get to show us parents what they can do. My kids usually like to put on a short skit. In previous years, I have written and directed, but this year I wanted them to play a larger role so I actually listened to their suggestions, no matter how awkward they might be, and wrote pretty much what they told me to, though I added one or two items. I also allowed them to decide how they would act it all out. I advised but did not argue if they overruled me... which they did many times.

A couple of things to note...

• EI stands for Employment Insurance which is a Canadian government program that pays a percentage of your old wage if you suddenly find yourself unemployed. Some try to stretch the benefit as long as possible by applying for jobs while never intending to get hired. To do this, they need proof that they are applying regularly.

• Another thing I need to mention is that there is a reference to "The Onsie Kid," which is a very short music parody video which Noah made last year and which briefly went viral among the homeschooler families we know. This video can be viewed at the link beneath the picture...

Onsie Kid Video: https://youtu.be/GAjvUiptt4k

• Every year, the homeschoolers vote on a theme that all acts must try to incorporate. This year, each act had to include the following four words: Bidet, Waddle, Trump and Maple Syrup.

Below is the final script, which, as always, I release into the public domain in case another desperate parent out there can make some use of it. A link to the video of the final performance is at the end.

The Interview

(must use the words: Waddle, Maple Syrup, Trump and Bidet)

Santa at his desk: “Send in the next applicant! I do hope this one’s a winner. Not sure I can take another 5 billion landings. [adjusting the donut under his bum]

APPLICANT: Dude! This place is amazing. It’s like a full-on mansion. Even has a water fountain in the toilet!

SANTA: The bidet?

APPLICANT: Wow! Even a fancy name!

SANTA: Uhhhh… Breath mint?

APPLICANT: Thanks. Love the place. Love the job. I’ll take it!

SANTA: Hold on there, The Flash, we’ve got a few formalities to go through first. I got your online resume. Uh—it’s a picture of a dog.

APPLICANT: A puppy!

[Long pause while they stare each other down and we wait for Santa’s reaction…]

SANTA: I do love pugs! Sooo cute. Everyone knows that online applications are just for show anyway. We only hire friends and family. You’re my friend’s friend’s friend, so Ha! [rubber stamps the application] Look at that! You’re on the shortlist!

APPLICANT: I even have my own suit!

SANTA: You do?

APPLICANT: I really thought you’d notice.

SANTA: HR rules. We’re not allowed to ask. But, why a bear?

APPLICANT: It’s a dog!

SANTA: Looks like a bear…

APPLICANT: I mean, which would you rather see: A fat old man waddling about in some sort of fetish get up, or a cute puppy?

SANTA: Sorry. That’s not regulation.

APPLICANT: But this’ll make people remember Christmas during the holiday season.

SANTA: What are you talking about? Christmas is the reason for the season!

APPLICANT: Really? I think you’re forgetting Black Friday and Cyber Monday!

SANTA: Ok, you can wear it under the red suit…

APPLICANT: YES! [does the Onsie Dance]

SANTA: …but I’ve got’ta warn you, it’s gon’na chafe. Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you that Onsie Boy?

APPLICANT: Onsie Kid. In the fake flesh!

SANTA: That dance went viral here at The Pole. It’s pretty close quarters in the workshop and twenty elves got poked in the eye but they totally love you! Wow! This is going to work out great. Ok, just a couple more question. It’s just a formality, but I’ve got to ask: Are you ok with drugging reindeer?

APPLICANT: You drug the reindeer?

SANTA: Well reindeer don’t fly on their own, you know! Got to get them … high.

APPLICANT: Oh. I guess.

SANTA: And you’ve got to push those elves.

APPLICANT: I thought the elves naturally loved to work hard making presents for all the little boys and girls.

SANTA: Are you kidding me? I swear, if it weren’t for rationing their home heating, they wouldn’t work at all! ...for free …16 hours a day…every day of the year. Oh yes, and how many cookies can you eat?

APPLICANT: Maybe four.

SANTA: This is a deal breaker, son. If you can’t eat at least 27... million, you can’t handle this job.

APPLICANT: Are they gluten-free?

SANTA: Almost never.

APPLICANT: Oh. Then, no problem.

SANTA: Have you got any questions for me?

APPLICANT: Can I use your wifi? (pronounced wiffy)

SANTA: My wifey? What have you heard? Those were trumped up charges. Wifey don’t do that no more.

APPLICANT: Uh... Wi-fi.

SANTA: Oh. That’s much more likely. Well, you’ve got the job. Report for work at 8am.

APPLICANT: I’m sorry, what?

SANTA: You’ve got the job.

APPLICANT: Like 8 in the morning? I mean is Starbucks even open then? Believe me, you do not want to see me without my Starbucks.

SANTA: It’s only one day a year.

APPLICANT: Yeah. You know what? That really doesn’t work for me.

SANTA: Go to bed early.

APPLICANT: I would, but right now, I really need my nights. I’m marathoning Game of Thrones on Netflix and just don’t want to break the momentum.

SANTA: You can sleep-in 363 days, afterward.

APPLICANT: Well…

SANTA: It’s one single day.

APPLICANT: Well… ok.

SANTA: Great. See you bright and early, tomorrow morning!

APPLICANT: Dude! Tomorrow’s like, Christmas Eve!

SANTA: Yes. That’s kind of the point…

APPLICANT: No one works Christmas Eve!

SANTA: Actually, lots of people…

APPLICANT: Ah, if you could just sign my E.I. form to say that I applied, that’d be great.

SANTA: Ugh! Not another one! (Sigh) OK.

[APPLICANT hands over his paperwork and Santa signs it…]

APPLICANT: Maple syrup!

SANTA: Er, what was that?

APPLICANT: Sorry. Tourette's.

The Interview Video: https://youtu.be/tqQ4-MspvkM

____________________________

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One Time, In Santa's Office: Dumb Ash and Granger Danger

   Rather than just filing away all the little scripts and speeches that I am forced to write so that my kids can participate in the Christmas pageant, friends can rub their long happy marriages in my face, relatives can turn a year older and their kids can get married and/or graduate, I'm posting them, so that others can adapt them for their own needs. Just for the record, I am officially releasing this work into the Public Domain. You can use it whenever and wherever you like. Some credit would be nice, but not required.

   The theme for our 2016 Christmas play was assigned to us and was "Christmas with a Fictional Character." Who these characters might be was a no-brainer for me because my son is a rabid Pokemon fiend and my daughter is equally obsessed with the Harry Potter world in general: Hermione Granger, in particular. How these two could be included in a single scenario was a little harder to figure out, but I managed to cobble together the following play. There are references to the movie Roger Rabbit as well as Superman's Miss Tesmacher, which I thought was fun even though I knew that very few would catch them. I hope you enjoy the play.

   For the record, in case your children are like mine, both kids disliked misrepresenting their heros as fools and criminals, and my son was particularly annoyed by me mentioning Pokemon creatures which he felt would not "realistically" be present under these circumstances. There were many concessions made from the original script and, in the end, they performed like the true professionals they believe they are.

(The video of our performance is here. 

At one point, I strayed from the script slightly, but the kids did well 

and I think you can get a clear idea of the intended characters by watching:

https://youtu.be/5Gf0juX-ZgY)

TITLE: One Time, In Santa's Office: Dumb Ash and Granger Danger

SETTING: Santa's North Pole Office

PROPS:
• Desk and 2 chairs
• Ash’s Cell phone
• Big Pen or Pencil for Santa
• File folders for Jessica Rabbit, Hermione Granger and Ash Ketchum
• Hermione & Ash’s clothes
• Window looking out on North Pole landscape
• (optional) Magic spell glitter (we used larger pieces of coloured paper and tinfoil for easy cleanup)



CURTAIN RISES: Santa alone in his office going over file folders of cases that require special consideration for his Naughty and Nice lists. SANTA picks up the file for Jessica Rabbit... her picture is clipped to the outside.

SANTA (looking at file pic—NOTE audience can't quite see who it is): Oh-ho! Looks like a very naughty girl...
SANTA (Then opens file and reads): Oh! I see. She’s not naughty, she's just drawn that way. Ok, then. Nice list it is.
SANTA (making a note in her file): J-e-s-s-i-c-a R-a-b-b-i-t.

SANTA (closes file and shouts to unseen secretary): Miss Tessmacher! Please send in my 10’oclock.

Ash Ketchum walks in intensely playing Pokemon Go! on his cellphone...

SANTA: Ahhh. Mr. Ketchum. Thanks for coming.

ASH: Hey.

ASH just stands there ignoring Santa, playing game. After a few moments, Santa notices.

SANTA: Please have a seat, young man.

ASH (sits, continues to play and ignore Santa.)

SANTA: O...K. The reason I called you up here is that I’ve been updating my lists and I have a few questions for you. I guess the first thing is that we got another letter from PETA, the animal rights group...

ASH (suddenly erupting): Holy smokes!

SANTA (without looking up): Yes, it is somewhat troubling but...

ASH: Santa, don’t move! There’s a Charmader on your desk.

SANTA (looks up in alarm): There’s a Cha-what-now?!

SANTA watches as Ash uses his cell phone to catch the Pokemon and howls in triumph.

ASH: Got him!

Santa is now annoyed and casts a magic spell.

ASH: “What the! Suddenly, I’ve got no bars.”

SANTA (sardonically): Must be a dead zone. Now, about that letter...

ASH (interrupting): Do you have wifi?

SANTA: No.

ASH: What? Seriously?

SANTA: Seriously.

Long silence as Ash continues searching for cell signal. Santa casts another spell and the cell phone slips from ASH's fingers. ASH is startled, picks up cell phone and examines it, shakes it... but it seems dead. He stands in shock for a moment, then... 

ASH: Can I use your cell phone?

SANTA: No.

SANTA beckons ASH back to his seat.

SANTA: So—back to that letter from PETA - the animal rights people. They say that you may be holding a number of exotic pets captive in tiny cages.

ASH (always too enthusiastic): They're my friends!

SANTA: You’re holding your friends captive in tiny cages?

ASH: I keep them in Pokeballs!

SANTA: You do what to your balls, now?

ASH (enthusiastically showing off 2 pokeballs): There’s a Froakie in this one! And this one has a Rowlett!

SANTA: How many of these Poke-your-balls do you have?

ASH: I’ve got hundreds!

SANTA (examining ASH, puzzled as to where he keeps them all): Really? How in heck do you fit them all... never mind that... how many of these creatures do you intend to imprison this way?

ASH: Got’ta catch em all!

SANTA: Well, that’s not good.

ASH: Say—I’ll bet you guys get a lot of Galcion up here! Have you ever seen a Regice? How about a Mamoswine?

SANTA: O...k, then. Let’s just put a pin in that for now. My IT guys tell me that your file is messing up our database. Just to verify, how old did you say you were?

ASH: I’m 10 years old!

SANTA: You know, I’ve been delivering presents to you for more than 20 years. so...

ASH just sits there.

SANTA: ...so if you do the math, that might lead one to conclude that...

ASH just sits there.

SANTA: Can you not see where I’m going with this?

ASH: I’m determined to be the youngest Pokemon master there ever was! Got’ta catch em all!

Silence for a beat.

ASH: Seriously? No wifi?

SANTA: Ok, then. I think I have everything I need. Thanks for coming in.

ASH leaves, still chasing after cell signal.

SANTA(sighs): OK, Ash Ketchum: still thinks he’s ten years old. ADHD, OCD. Exempt from Naughty List due to mental illness. Stocking stuffer: Riddlen.

SANTA closes file and opens the next.

SANTA (yelling to off-stage secretary): Miss Tessmacher, please send in the next person.

Hermione Granger walks in...

SANTA: Ahh, Miss Granger. A breath of fresh air. Please be seated.

HERMIONE: Thank you, sir.

SANTA: How is everyone at my old school?

HERMIONE: You went to Hogwarts, sir?

SANTA: Of course! Say, is Minerva McGonagal still there? She was such a hottie!

HERMIONE (taken aback): Uhhh... yes. She’s headmaster now.

SANTA: Really? You know, I was a Gryffindor, like you.

HERMIONE: Really, sir?

SANTA: Are you kidding. I was the most famous Gryffindor graduate of my time. Made the cover of the Alma Mater magazine 217 years running! (pointing at his suit) Still wearing the house colours!

HERMIONE: Why were you so famous?

SANTA: What? Why?! Because I started all of this! It may seem old school now, but at the time it was a radical business model.

HERMIONE: This is a business? But how does it make a profit?

SANTA (a little flumuxed): Well, it hasn’t yet. But I’m not in this for the short term... I’m playing the lo-o-ong game! Like AOL.

HERMIONE (after a moment of thought): So, are your elves unionized?

SANTA (clearly uncomfortable with where this line of questioning is leading): But enough about me! I must confess that I was disappointed to see your name come up in my reports from the Ministry of Magic. You’ve always been such a good girl...

HERMIONE (standing to self-righteously deliver speech): I believe that every student has a responsibility to follow the rules and always try their very best.

SANTA: Yes, well, fortunately no one goes on the Naughty List just for being a bit of a suck up. It’s these other activities I’m concerned with... sneaking about after curfew...

HERMIONE: I can explain that.

SANTA: Says here, you punched another student in the nose...

HERMIONE: I can explain that.

SANTA: Multiple counts of break and entry...

HERMIONE: I can explain that.

SANTA: ...and what’s with all this snogging? And Ron Weasley... really?

HERMIONE: I can’t really explain that. But that other stuff, sir, we had to stop Voldemort.

SANTA: Voldemort? Sounds like the child of hippie parents.

HERMIONE: He’s totally evil!

SANTA: I can’t recall any Voldemort on my Naughty List.

HERMIONE: Oh. Well, he’s a little bit... dead now, sir.

SANTA: My heavens! Was he involved in some kind of accident?

HERMIONE: No sir. We defeated him!

SANTA (almost afraid to ask): When you say defeated...

HERMIONE: Well, sir, Harry Potter did him, rather, in.

SANTA (deep sigh): You know, my system is really built to deal with things like being unkind to your house elf, or fibbing to your headmaster, or snitching an extra bowl of gruel. I don’t know if a lump of coal in your stocking is going to quite cover accessory to murder. Feels like it falls a little short of sending the right message.

HERMIONE: Sorry, Santa.

silence.

SANTA (suddenly jovial): Oh... bring it on in, girlfriend. (stands and comes around for a hug) I just can’t stay mad at you. Look, I’m running late for the mall. Let me walk you out...

as they are leaving, just before off stage...

SANTA: ...but, Ronald Weasely? Seriously?...

The End

__________________________________
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The 1990s (Christmas Play Script)

Rather than just filing away all the little scripts and speeches that I am forced to write so that my kids can participate in the year-end home schooler's Christmas pageant, friends can turn a year older and their kids can get married and/or graduate, I'm posting them so that others can adapt them for their own needs. Just for the record, I am officially releasing this work into the Public Domain. You can use it whenever and wherever you like. Some credit would be nice, but not required.

The theme for our 2013 Christmas play was assigned to us and was Christmas in the 1990's. I struggled with this one as it seemed to me that Christmas in the 1990's was not substantially different that Christmas in 2013. Eventually, I cheated and used Christmas only as a segue into a play about the 1990's.

Click here to see the captioned Video: https://youtu.be/aClN3RY4bW8

Here is the script...

Two kids run in to see Dad who is sitting in armchair reading newspaper…

Kids (together): Dad! Tell us a story about Christmas!

Dad: A story about Christmas, huh? I don’t actually know any Christmas stories. How about I tell you about the 1990’s?

Kids: >Yeah!

Dad: Ok, then. Well… gather round. You see, back then people could read and write in cursive. Not everyone had a cell phone, but those who did… their cell phone was a… a phone. We all realized that we knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew Kevin Bacon. A famous football player named OJ Simpson got away with murder. The President of the United States of America had an affair with an intern and got away with that. A cult group thought that they could hitch a ride to heaven on a comet by taking poison. I’m not really sure if they got away with that. And everyone thought that the entire modern world would crash when we hit the year 2000!

Kids: Dad! That’s crazy!

Dad: You want to hear something crazy? We all thought that M. Night Shymalan was a creative genius!

Kids: Who?!

Dad: Exactly. And I don’t mean to scare you guys, but in those days there were less than 100 channels on TV and hardly any internet.

Kids: NOOOOO!!

Kid 1: You were there when the internet started?

Dad: Yup. No YouTube, no online stores, no Google, no Facebook.

Kid 2: So why didn’t you start one of those and become rich and famous?

Dad: Well now, that’s complicated...

Dad begins to reminisce.
Kids get up and hold flashback sign, make flashback sounds.

Dad (in 1990) tapping on keyboard: Oh my gosh! This internet thing is amazing… Without investing a dime, without hiring a single person I could create a super slick online web-oriented store or service and sell it to everyone out there. I could become stinking, filthy rich! I’m going to do that! I’m going to… ohhh… cute kittens.

Dad stops to watch kitten video then suddenly shakes head, returning to his idea…

Dad: Oh, no, no… got to focus… ok, the first thing I’ll have to do is… Hey! Isn’t that the dancing baby from Ali McBeal? That’s computer generated. Amazing!

Dad stops again, momentarily distracted. Then suddenly shakes head an refocuses…

Dad: Ok, now I’m going to take my ideas and put them on a web site and… oh, just got an email… the King of Nigeria… Oh my Gosh! He needs my help to get his money out of the country! … No! Focus! I’ll do that later. Right now I’m gon’na… oh! Victoria Secret’s online.

Dad begins pressing one button over and over (as if viewing picture after picture) and pressing and pressing and pressing and pressing…

The end.

_______________________________

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I Know, Right! (Christmas Play Script)

Rather than just filing away all the little scripts and speeches that I am forced to write so that my kids can participate in the Christmas pageant, friends can turn a year older, or their kids can get married and/or graduate, I thought I'd start posting them, so that others can adapt them for their own needs.

Just for the record, I am officially releasing this work into the Public Domain. You can use it whenever and wherever you like. Some credit would be nice, but not required.

This is the play I wrote for a home schooler Christmas play when my kids were 8 and 10 years old. It was meant to sound Charlie-Brown-ish. You can see how it turned out for us on YouTube. (Click Here) Then, cut and paste and adapt it for your own use.

I Know, Right!
by William M. Dean

Two weary kids meet over the breakfast table Rihana in bathrobe, Noah in Pokemon trainer outfit and bathrobe. They both have a pen, pieces of paper and a mug of coffee…

NOAH: You look about as tired as I feel.

RIHANA: (sigh) Busy season.

NOAH: I know, right! It’s almost nine am and I’ve still got (shaking paper) about 200 hints to drop, before noon.

RIHANA: I know, right! I’ve been working fairies into the conversation for months and Mom and Dad still don’t know a Winx from a Pixie. It’s sad, really. I’m beginning to think that our parents are, basically, unteachable.

NOAH: I know, right! I wonder if either of them even realize I’m into Pokemon?! Maybe I’m being too subtle?

RIHANA: I know, right! I circled almost every toy in the Wish Book and still Mom says nothing. She just keeps skipping right to the clothing section. The implications are frightening.

NOAH: I know, right! Maybe we should write some notes in the margin of the clothing section telling her what page the toys are on.

RIHANA: That’s a good idea. I’d better write that down. If I don’t write things down these days, I’ll never remember.

NOAH: I know, right! Our minds are completely overloaded. Every day, we have to brush our teeth, play, dress ourselves, play, do an hour of home school, play and then suddenly we’ve got to fit in all this Christmas stuff on top of that!

RIHANA: I know, right! Thank goodness there’s coffee. (raises mug, sips coffee)

(both pause, sip coffee)

NOAH: And then there’s Dad and his lame Christmas joke.

RIHANA: You’re going to have to be more specific: Which lame Christmas joke?

NOAH: I know, right! What I hate the most is a whole month of being referred to as a Gnome schooler—for the third year in a row.

RIHANA: I know, right! Cracks him up, every time.

NOAH: You’d think he’d notice that no one else has ever laughed.

RIHANA: I know, right!

(pause, sip coffee)

RIHANA: I hate all the delays, this time of year. I’m still waiting on Santa’s reply so I can find out exactly HOW good I have to be. I just don’t have the resources to be any better than necessary.

NOAH: I know, right! There should be standards. It’s been, like, 2000 years: Could someone please hurry up and quantify this thing?

RIHANA: I know, right!

(pause to sip coffee)

RIHANA: Well, we’re in the homestretch. Time to step it up a notch.

NOAH: Yeah. We’ve got to increase the frequency of the hints and hope they finally catch on.

RIHANA (getting up): Well, our parents may be clueless, but at least we can rely on Santa to bring the right things.

NOAH (getting up): Yeah. Santa might be the only grown up who’s on the ball!

(walking away together)

RIHANA: I know, right!

________________________________________________

Here are some books you could buy. 

Coincidentally, I wrote them!

THE SPACE BETWEEN THOUGHT (click here!)

I MARRIED JAPAN (click here!)