Wednesday 16 September 2015

Thoughts on Intimacy, Part 3 of 3 - Five Essential Elements

In case you want to catch up...

There are five basic elements necessary to create an environment in which intimacy may grow:

1) Trust: Trust can not be given, it must be earned. When your partner earns your trust, it is important to recognize that fact by extending your trust. If your partner has never lied about anything important, they should be believed. If they have never cheated, they should have earned the right to not be accused without overwhelming evidence. 

*A Note About Jealousy:
   Acting on feelings of jealousy demonstrates a total lack of trust and is akin to nail-gunning your relationship's coffin.
   It's a defensive maneuver; an attempt to spare you from hurt feelings; as if being duped hurts worse than being dumped. This kind of preemptive strike is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    If your partner is wandering, then this will certainly bring it into the open faster. But if they aren't, then your unwarranted jealousy is guaranteed to drive them away. An innocent person will be offended that their good behaviour has earned them so little trust. It will certainly impair the bonds of intimacy.
 One thing that can help is to cut your partner some slack. Be slow to accuse and quick to forgive. Accept that everyone examines their options. Everyone looks at attractive people and wonders what it would be like to be with them. Everyone is tempted, at some time or other. Be honest with yourself. Has your eye never wandered? If you don't consider yourself a cheater, then don't accuse your partner just because someone caught their eye.
   Some are driven to jealous accusations by fears that they might appear foolish to their friends. But being a raging paranoid reveals much more weakness than being a trusting dupe. Having your trust abused is not a bad reflection on you.
    If you don't trust, you can't be scammed, but then neither can you achieve intimacy.

2) Trustworthiness: Earning your partner's trust is the flip-side of the deal. Since it takes two to create intimacy, you must give your partner good reason to trust you.

3) Honesty: Be honest with your partner. In order to do this, you really must be honest with yourself.

4) Caring: You must care about your partner. Regardless of your differences and disagreements, you must be looking out for your partner's well-being, though not at the expense of your own.

5) Acceptance: You must accept differences of opinion, nature, mood, logic, behaviour. Your partner will never become your twin. That's a good thing. You are not the lexicon of proper human behaviour: There is no such thing. Allow for idiosyncrasies. Learn to step back. Shake your head, maybe, but learn to laugh.

A strong commitment is a big help with all of this. Believing that you will be together at the end of any incident will help keep your behaviour and your responses to your partner's behaviour, within bounds.

In the end, whether or not you manage to cement your relationship really depends upon which is larger; your motivation or the intimacy gap.


On a less serious note...
Why not buy my time travel, action/adventure novel?

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