Every year, my sister organizes a homeschooler Christmas Pageant during which the kids (currently from ages 10 to 18) get to show us parents what they can do. My kids usually like to put on a short skit. In previous years, I have written and directed, but this year I wanted them to play a larger role so I actually listened to their suggestions, no matter how awkward they might be, and wrote pretty much what they told me to, though I added one or two items. I also allowed them to decide how they would act it all out. I advised but did not argue if they overruled me... which they did many times.
A couple of things to note...
• EI stands for Employment Insurance which is a Canadian government program that pays a percentage of your old wage if you suddenly find yourself unemployed. Some try to stretch the benefit as long as possible by applying for jobs while never intending to get hired. To do this, they need proof that they are applying regularly.
• Another thing I need to mention is that there is a reference to "The Onsie Kid," which is a very short music parody video which Noah made last year and which briefly went viral among the homeschooler families we know. This video can be viewed at the link beneath the picture...
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Onsie Kid Video: https://youtu.be/GAjvUiptt4k
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• Every year, the homeschoolers vote on a theme that all acts must try to incorporate. This year, each act had to include the following four words: Bidet, Waddle, Trump and Maple Syrup.
Below is the final script, which, as always, I release into the public domain in case another desperate parent out there can make some use of it. A link to the video of the final performance is at the end.
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The Interview
(must use the words: Waddle, Maple Syrup, Trump and Bidet)
Santa at his desk: “Send in the next applicant! I do hope this one’s a winner. Not sure I can take another 5 billion landings. [adjusting the donut under his bum]
APPLICANT: Dude! This place is amazing. It’s like a full-on mansion. Even has a water fountain in the toilet!
SANTA: The bidet?
APPLICANT: Wow! Even a fancy name!
SANTA: Uhhhh… Breath mint?
APPLICANT: Thanks. Love the place. Love the job. I’ll take it!
SANTA: Hold on there, The Flash, we’ve got a few formalities to go through first. I got your online resume. Uh—it’s a picture of a dog.
APPLICANT: A puppy!
[Long pause while they stare each other down and we wait for Santa’s reaction…]
SANTA: I do love pugs! Sooo cute. Everyone knows that online applications are just for show anyway. We only hire friends and family. You’re my friend’s friend’s friend, so Ha! [rubber stamps the application] Look at that! You’re on the shortlist!
APPLICANT: I even have my own suit!
SANTA: You do?
APPLICANT: I really thought you’d notice.
SANTA: HR rules. We’re not allowed to ask. But, why a bear?
APPLICANT: It’s a dog!
SANTA: Looks like a bear…
APPLICANT: I mean, which would you rather see: A fat old man waddling about in some sort of fetish get up, or a cute puppy?
SANTA: Sorry. That’s not regulation.
APPLICANT: But this’ll make people remember Christmas during the holiday season.
SANTA: What are you talking about? Christmas is the reason for the season!
APPLICANT: Really? I think you’re forgetting Black Friday and Cyber Monday!
SANTA: Ok, you can wear it under the red suit…
APPLICANT: YES! [does the Onsie Dance]
SANTA: …but I’ve got’ta warn you, it’s gon’na chafe. Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you that Onsie Boy?
APPLICANT: Onsie Kid. In the fake flesh!
SANTA: That dance went viral here at The Pole. It’s pretty close quarters in the workshop and twenty elves got poked in the eye but they totally love you! Wow! This is going to work out great. Ok, just a couple more question. It’s just a formality, but I’ve got to ask: Are you ok with drugging reindeer?
APPLICANT: You drug the reindeer?
SANTA: Well reindeer don’t fly on their own, you know! Got to get them … high.
APPLICANT: Oh. I guess.
SANTA: And you’ve got to push those elves.
APPLICANT: I thought the elves naturally loved to work hard making presents for all the little boys and girls.
SANTA: Are you kidding me? I swear, if it weren’t for rationing their home heating, they wouldn’t work at all! ...for free …16 hours a day…every day of the year. Oh yes, and how many cookies can you eat?
APPLICANT: Maybe four.
SANTA: This is a deal breaker, son. If you can’t eat at least 27... million, you can’t handle this job.
APPLICANT: Are they gluten-free?
SANTA: Almost never.
APPLICANT: Oh. Then, no problem.
SANTA: Have you got any questions for me?
APPLICANT: Can I use your wifi? (pronounced wiffy)
SANTA: My wifey? What have you heard? Those were trumped up charges. Wifey don’t do that no more.
APPLICANT: Uh... Wi-fi.
SANTA: Oh. That’s much more likely. Well, you’ve got the job. Report for work at 8am.
APPLICANT: I’m sorry, what?
SANTA: You’ve got the job.
APPLICANT: Like 8 in the morning? I mean is Starbucks even open then? Believe me, you do not want to see me without my Starbucks.
SANTA: It’s only one day a year.
APPLICANT: Yeah. You know what? That really doesn’t work for me.
SANTA: Go to bed early.
APPLICANT: I would, but right now, I really need my nights. I’m marathoning Game of Thrones on Netflix and just don’t want to break the momentum.
SANTA: You can sleep-in 363 days, afterward.
APPLICANT: Well…
SANTA: It’s one single day.
APPLICANT: Well… ok.
SANTA: Great. See you bright and early, tomorrow morning!
APPLICANT: Dude! Tomorrow’s like, Christmas Eve!
SANTA: Yes. That’s kind of the point…
APPLICANT: No one works Christmas Eve!
SANTA: Actually, lots of people…
APPLICANT: Ah, if you could just sign my E.I. form to say that I applied, that’d be great.
SANTA: Ugh! Not another one! (Sigh) OK.
[APPLICANT hands over his paperwork and Santa signs it…]
APPLICANT: Maple syrup!
SANTA: Er, what was that?
APPLICANT: Sorry. Tourette's.
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| The Interview Video: https://youtu.be/tqQ4-MspvkM |
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